Looking at a reflection that is no longer who I am
Hearing distant voices saying I don’t give a damn
Struggling to find hope in all that is so very lost
Agony while searching far within to define any sense of cause
Knowing there is more beneath this wreckage mass somewhere
Awaiting for a portion deep within to stop this reckless care

~Dear God Please make this stop I can’t take anymore~
~I suppose I could just give up on love and go back to being a whore~

the compilation of growing lies
is comparable to the desire unmet between my thighs
the demise
the despise


Needless Psycho Babble / Venting below:

What the fuck is up w/ this life anyway? I just want to be happy. And i am not. It is not just my stupid “relationship” if u want to even call it that. I miss parties and the groups i used to hang out with- I miss being active in the lifestyle. I barely even write here anymore due to avoid dealing with shit and perhaps that has been quite the opposite of what I have needed. I just dump a bunch of old writing on here and poof I disappear. The various shit I (and kids) have been through and the aftermath we are still going through has been all too real and I am a fucking mess quite honestly. I have tried so many f’n things to “heal” and the scary thing is that i am not any “better” eh…. Maybe i have approached a lot of my coping and healing and sweeping it under the rug (i.e. self-medicating etc. wrong … LOL…) but it has been f’n hard to not want to just. not. deal. w/. my. head. even for a few hours. I am not in denial of what i am and it is not any easier me and hearing my thoughts constant then i can possibly imagine it is for those have to be around me bwhahahahaha…

Today’s biggest frustration is when I need a mutherfucker and i work on asking for what i fuckin need which is f’n hard and I say “hey I had a fucking shitty day and i need a hug” and i am just ignored then i get a hug from a friend and that said ignoring mutherfucker is a jealous asshole…. yea fuck that shit n go fuck yourself n don’t come round no more cus I know too many people dying and the list grows everyday n its depressing n life is short too short for asshole friends who cant hear u when u need a hug n get jealous of another n i’m not stable and hugs are helpful.

Also might i add I hate being told I am fucking someone else the times I ain’t cheating and when someone accuses me when I ain’t cheating guess what I am probably gonna do after u accuse and through your fit and walk out the door (especially when u can’t hug my ass when I need it blink blink)? Probably fuck someone…cause now them are fightin’ words and you be thinkin’ i am doing it anyway…so since u keep going on n on bout it FUCK I MAY AS WELL.  This f’n relationship is A) unhealthy B) immature C) just plain stupid D) sabotaged by me. I am torturing myself because i am a crazy bitch with a masochistic side that is making up for shit she is lacking in the beating department with this shit? We are back to are normal sadistic cycle YEY I FN HATE THIS WHY DID I TRY AGAIN Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y?  FUCK i would talk to a girlfriend bout this shit but I am going through this thing where i serious think everyone is out tho get me so i have kinda distanced all my friendships now ya’ll can listen to my crazy nonsense here :P  N getting moreso by the minute it just keeps gettin worse more people keep pissing me off and i cannot seem to get out of the wrong groups I hate this shit …I don’t know if i am utterly enraged or just so saddened at this shit

P.S. the spellcheck work for “fuckin” is “buckskin” hmm who knew
P.P.S the spellcheck word for spellcheck is spell check or spell-check, shit which one is grammatically correct?? oh noes!